The Hal Story continues:

After thinking about it, I realized that while there was some basis for a relationship, our differences were too great and I felt that we would both be wasting our time and so I cancelled the date.  I am a very active person and Hal is a couch potato minus.  I felt very guilty about it and often thought of the wonderful conversations and the laughs we shared on the telephone.  So I called him to invite him to share my free movie passes one Sunday about six weeks later.  He agreed to go only if we could have some dinner afterwards.  He arrived thirty minutes late, which is a no-no in the dating world and the entire experience was a big disappointment mainly because Hal was grumpy and preoccupied with a family matter.                                                                                                                        Actually, he was depressed and negative about everything in his life and was more than willing to share these disappointments with me.   He was overbearing, moody and just plain obnoxious. He was critical of my outfit and my hair which I thought was totally appropriate and attractive. I drove home after dinner, and while in my car on the way back I was thinking, “What is this all about?”  “What do I need this for?”  I’m the one who should feel depressed after such a date!!!  He later called to try to do “damage control,”  his favorite expression, and I then  realized that my initial instincts were correct and I should have followed them. Hal said words to the effect that the next move was mine.
    Did I take my own advice?  Of course not!  The red flags  often looked green to me. After some months had passed and I was more into the dating scene, I foolishly contacted Hal again because I thought about him as a person  of quality and intelligence after all,  capable of deep feelings. And he was very lonely.  I remembered our overly long and intense conversations, and wanted to re-connect and try again now that I had more experience.  And so I called him and we began to date more intensively and we spent about two months in a more or less monogamous dating situation.  During that time, I noticed or rather chose to ignore the red flags that were again flapping in front of my eyes.                                                                                                                                   
His relationship with his grown professional children was practically nonexistent and even hostile on their parts.  He whined incessantly about their lack of concern for him and the fact that they rarely called. When they came to visit, they spent the minimum amount of time with him and did so at best, just as a courtesy.  His insistence that he was satisfied with the way he was and unwilling to learn new things was another disappointment.  He constantly repeated stories about his previous two marriages and other relationships that were boring me to distraction, to say the least. He was past-oriented while I was present and future-oriented. He lived in a place that was marginal,  (really a dump) and was planning on moving some day. But frankly, I didn’t think he ever would.  It was mortgage-free and cleaning out the mess in order to sell and pack up, would take the services of an arsonist.  But using words, my forte, in an abrasive tone to me when I only wanted to help him, was the proverbial last straw.
    During one of our recent telephone conversations, actually our last, Hal raised his voice to me in temper over a matter about his health, that he knew he had to address, and somehow was unable or unwilling to deal with effectively.  It was frustration on his part, but he dumped the problem in my lap and I didn’t want to contend with verbal outbursts or potentially self-induced serious health issues.  I decided to end the relationship and I knew that this time, I would absolutely not return because he was not right for me. Above all, he derided me constantly for using multi-syllabic words. I needed someone who was more secure, not depressing, and certainly had enough self-esteem to care about his living accommodations, appearance, and health.                                                                      In other words, Hals of this world, use the gym at your condo and stop whining. You know that  French fries have more calories than yoghurt.
 So, this was the end of a short long-term relationship. It was my turn to do the damage control thing by ending it again instead of prolonging the inevitable. This time, I really, really meant it!! There will be no couples counseling, for sure. So, words which are so important to me, used in a verbally abusive way, was the cause of the breakup.
      Ladies, there is a plethora of worthy gentlemen out there.  Make yourself available, take a risk, look out for the red flags, and don’t be the moron part of the oxymoron.  Go for it!!

Maddy
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